HOMER
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Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. Operator! Give me the number for 911! Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat? I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flamin Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. What is a wedding? Webster's dictionary defines a wedding as 'the process of removing weeds from one's garden. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon! What was his name? Apollo Creed? Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.' Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. |