COMICBOOK GUY
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Last night's 'Itchy and Scratchy Show' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Stop right there! I have the only working fazer ever built. It was fired only once to keep William Shatner from making another album. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity... Bart: It's valuable, huh?! Comic Book Guy: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds... Oh, I've wasted my life. |
CHIEF WIGGUM
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This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Well let me ask you this: shut up. Chief Wiggum: Okay folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh my god! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around! Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge. Marge: That's your hat. Lou: She's good, chief. Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, that car thief can't hold his breath forever! Cop: And if he can, Chief? Chief Wiggum: Then God help us all! |
GRANDPA SIMPSON
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My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
Grandpa Simpson: The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more 'n a few. Abe: That doll is EVIL, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!! Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents. Abe: I just want attention. Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions. Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions! |
KRUSTY
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So, have a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a kwaazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified, Ramadan. And now a word from MY god, our sponsors!
Krusty: I'm sitting here with a smokin' monkey and I dont even know what the hell you are! Sideshow Mel: Oh Krusty, you can be so cruel when you're sober. I thought they were due! That game was fixed! The Globetrotters used a ladder for pete's sake! C'mon! He's just holding out the ball, take it! Don't blame me! It's the percadan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain ... And now a word from our new sponsor ... Percadan, oh crap! Lets just say it moved me. To a bigger house! Oh crap, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud. |
MAYOR QUIMBY
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Yes there is a comet and yes it is heading for our town. (Scattered clapping) You uh, don't need to applaud that.
Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first. Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards. Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to introduce the Prophet of Love, Larry White. Barry White: It's Barry White. Mayor Quimby: No, the card says Larry White. Barry White: I think I know my own name. Mayor Quimby: Yeah, well we'll just see about that. Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse? Leonard Nimoy: I think this vessel could do at least warp 5. Quimby: Yes, and may the force be with you. Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am? Quimby: Of course I do. Werent you one of the little rascals. |